The Maurader's and the Sorcerer's Stone
by Corie
Summary: On hold...Very possibly abandoned The Marauder's find the first Harry Potter book....Hey, it's been done before, but it's still funny.. Trust me.
1. Vernon's a model and plots of murder

A/N: *Backs away cautiously* Before you all murder me let me tell you that this fic will most likely not be taking away time from "Breaking Point." But I needed to do this fic. It's a stress reliever and it makes me laugh. So, before you all yell, just remember it helps me to write better. But, don't get your hopes up for a new chapter in anything soon. *Jumps out of the way as pitchforks are thrown* Hey! Watch it! I do have exams coming up, a speaking one in Spanish that is driving me to the point of insanity. I can do this, right? Just one more speaking test and then I never have to talk in Spanish ever again! Whaooooo!!!! *Jumps around happily* Oh, and Peter has been taken out of this fic accept for a couple of times, because I just re-read Goblet of Fire for the 50th time and I got extremely mad at him. Now, on with the story. I hope it's as much fun to read as it was to write.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be.  
  
Symbols:  
  
~ = excerpts from the original story.  
  
"Sirius! Stop!" Sirius Black grinned at his best friend. He had been singing for the other four people in the room. Remus, a light brown- haired boy, had a grin on his lips, saying nothing. Peter, a blonde hair boy was trying desperately to stop laughing. lily, James's girlfriend and redhead, had her head in her hands.  
  
  
  
Sirius stopped singing, and mocked a pout as he sat down. James sighed in relief and they sat for just about 15 minutes before anyone else spoke.  
  
  
  
"Are you sure I can't sing-" James cut him off immediately.  
  
  
  
"NO!" Sirius tried to look hurt as Remus laughed a little. Lily sighed in the corner.  
  
  
  
"We NEED something to do!" she cried. Sirius nodded in agreement.  
  
  
  
"Which is why I propose kareokee-"  
  
  
  
"NO SIRIUS!"  
  
  
  
Just then, Remus pulled out a book from next to him. He looked at it quizzically before handing it to James.  
  
  
  
"This yours? I didn't know you knew how to read!" James scowled at his friend before taking the book.  
  
  
  
"Not mine," he said, waving the book off. Remus shrugged and took the book back.  
  
  
  
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," Remus looked up at his friend in confusion.  
  
  
  
"Friend of yours?" Remus asked. James shrugged and sat down.  
  
  
  
"Nope, but I suppose we could read and find out," Remus nodded and began....  
  
  
  
"Oh! Yay!" Sirius jumped onto James's bed and wiggled his eyebrows at him expectantly.  
  
  
  
"I've never read a book before!" he said happily. James rolled his eyes and pushed his best friend off the bed. Remus coughed.  
  
  
  
"Oh, sorry Moony, begin!" Sirius said from the floor.  
  
  
  
"Chapter One: The Boy who lived."  
  
Sirius: Well.......if he was dead this would be a rather short story, wouldn't it?  
  
~ Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, ~  
  
Sirius *still on the floor*: I still say that being normal is extremely over rated.  
  
~thank you very much. ~  
  
Lily: Your welcome  
  
~They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.~  
  
James: What do they want? A cookie?  
  
Sirius: I do!!  
  
~Mr. Dursely was the director of a firm~  
  
Peter: what's a firm?  
  
Remus: Nothing you need to worry about.  
  
::James/Sirius stares::  
  
Sirius: Well, why not?  
  
Remus: I don't think your brain can handle it.  
  
Sirius: Hey!  
  
~called Grunnings, which made drills. ~  
  
Sirius: You'd think they'd think up a better name..... What the heck is a grunning?  
  
~He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache~  
  
James: Now, that's an accomplishment, lemme tell you.  
  
~Mrs. Dursely was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the amount of neck,~  
  
Lily: Sounds exactly like my sister!  
  
James: Isn't your sister dating someone named Dursely?  
  
All:......  
  
Lily: This is getting too creepy  
  
~which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on neighbors.~  
  
Remus: .....which is why all the neighbors moved out of the neighborhood and had to have therapy.  
  
~The Dursely's had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.  
  
The Dursley's had everything they wanted, ~  
  
Sirius: And who wouldn't want a huge mustache covering their whole face?  
  
~ but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. ~  
  
James: Mr. Dursely was a caught making drills for another company!  
  
Sirius: No, he was a underwear model in his first life.  
  
Lily: Oh, bad image. Bad image.  
  
~ They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the ~  
  
Sirius: pictures he had hidden in his desk  
  
~ Potters. ~  
  
Remus: ::Shivers::: I don't think I could bear it either  
  
James: Hey!  
  
~ Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursely's sister ~  
  
All:....  
  
Remus: Does that mean that Lily-  
  
Sirius: JAMES AND LILY GET MARRIED!!  
  
Lily and James: Shut up Sirius!  
  
~ but they hadn't met for several years; ~  
  
Sirius: Good thing. Can you imagine how many earaches we would all have?  
  
James: You mean because Lily and Petunia screech instead of talk to each other?  
  
*Lily smacks James.*  
  
James: Hey! Don't kill the messenger!  
  
*She smacks him again*  
  
~ in fact, Mrs. Dursely pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDurselyish as it was possible to be. ~  
  
James: I'm not good-for-nothing! I can do some pretty good pranks!  
  
~ The Dursely's shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street. ~  
  
Remus: They'd probably wouldn't say anything, given to the face they're all in therapy at the moment because of a certain someone always spying on them.  
  
~ The Dursely's knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never even seen him. ~  
  
Lily: Good thing too. Petunia's like Medusa, you look at her and she turns you to stone.  
  
Sirius: Then why aren't you stone?  
  
Lily: I'm immune.  
  
Sirius *whispering to James*: Or she's a medusa too!  
  
*Lily, who had heard, walks over and smacks Sirius*  
  
Sirius: Geesh!! Didn't anyone tell you that violence is not the answer?  
  
~ This boy was another reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that. ~  
  
James: And I'm sure they were so insistent on wanting Harry to mix with a child like Dudley.  
  
~ When Mr. and Mrs. Dursely woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts ~  
  
Sirius: You mean it hasn't started yet?  
  
James: I guess not  
  
~ there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country. Mr. Dursely hummed as he picked out the most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair. ~  
  
Sirius: And they say I have problems.  
  
Lily: You do.  
  
~ None of them noticed, a large, tawny owl flutter past the window. ~  
  
Sirius: *gasp* you mean to tell me, that Mrs. Dursely wasn't spying for once?  
  
~ At half past eight, ~  
  
Sirius: I show up and throw Mr. Dursely out a window  
  
~ Mr. Dursely picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursely ~  
  
James: That guess was almost close, Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: Yes I know.  
  
James: You should talk with Trelawney. She'd be impressed with your improved "sight."  
  
Sirius: Like she isn't impressed already with our beautiful impressions of her.  
  
~ on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls. ~  
  
Sirius: I did that before.  
  
Lily: How old were you?  
  
Sirius: It was last week.  
  
~ Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursely as he left the house. ~  
  
Sirius: My dad didn't say that! He called me an immature prat and made me clean the walls!  
  
Remus: Would that be because your not spoiled like Dudley and your 16 years old?  
  
Sirius:....maybe  
  
~ He got into his car and back out of number four's drive. It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar. ~  
  
Sirius/James: His underwear pictures!  
  
~-a cat reading a map. For a second, Mr. Dursely didn't realize what he had seen- then he jerked his head around to look again. ~  
  
James: And then he began running around screaming "The cat's coming to get me again!"  
  
All e/James *stare*  
  
James: what? It could happen.  
  
~ There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. ~  
  
Sirius: Perhaps the cat was done reading and put the map in his pocket.  
  
Lily: Or it's McGonagall for some reason...  
  
~ What could he be thinking of? ~  
  
Peter: Doughnuts?  
  
Sirius: his underwear pictures?  
  
Lily: SIRIUS! Stop with the underwear pictures already!   
  
~ It must have been a trick of the light. ~  
  
James: Yeah, OK Buddy. You keep telling yourself that, maybe one day it'll come true.  
  
Remus: Better yet, he should tell MCGonagall that.  
  
~ Mr. Dursely blinked and stared at the cat. it stared back. ~  
  
James: I'm sensing a staring contest is beginning.  
  
Sirius: I don't recommend one with McGonagall. She tends to get very angry when she looses.  
  
Lily: Sirius! You weren't answering her and when you finally did speak it was... Hm, how did it go?  
  
*Sirius gets up to impersonate himself and starts dancing around the room* Sirius: "Haha! You loose! LOOOSSSEERRR!!"  
  
James: What's wrong with that?  
  
Remus: Everything.  
  
~ As Mr. Dursely drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. ~  
  
James: Think he's a little paranoid?  
  
~ It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive-~  
  
Sirius: I'm impressed, I never knew McGonagall could read.  
  
James: Maybe she thought it was you and was pretending to yell at it.  
  
Sirius: I wouldn't put it past her.  
  
~ no looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs. ~  
  
James: How could McGonagall read without her glasses anyway?  
  
Sirius: Can Animagus read anyway? I never have been able to  
  
Remus: How often have you tried?  
  
Sirius: I don't know, have I?  
  
*Remus shakes his head* Remus: Sirius, I'm afraid we've lost you.  
  
Sirius: I'm right here!  
  
Lily: His point exactly.  
  
~ Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. ~  
  
Remus: He's got a good idea. thinking about McGonagall can be quite frightening.  
  
*James and Sirius shudder*  
  
~ As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day. ~  
  
Sirius: Drills intrigue me as well.  
  
Remus: Good for you.  
  
~ But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else. ~  
  
*Sirius and James fake scream* : The Underwear model pictures are posted in the newspaper!  
  
~ As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. ~  
  
Remus: It doesn't take a lot for him to get distracted, does it?  
  
Lily: Well, all he has to think about is drills.  
  
Remus: True, true.  
  
~ People in cloaks. ~  
  
All: OH NO!  
  
Sirius: It's the end of the world!  
  
James: Not the people in cloaks!  
  
~ Mr. Dursely couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes- the getups you saw on young people! ~  
  
James: This guy has a lot of problems.  
  
Sirius: You're just noticing this?  
  
~ He supposed this was some new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by, They were whispering excitedly. ~  
  
Sirius: Probably planning on murdering him.  
  
James: Maybe that's us.  
  
Lily: I only wish.  
  
~ Mr. Dursely was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why , that man had to be older than he was, and was wearing an emerald- green cloak! ~  
  
Remus: Oh no! The horror!  
  
~ The nerve of him! But then it struck Mr. Dursely that this was probably some silly stunt- these people were obviously collecting for some thing... yes, that would be it. ~   
  
Sirius: He talks to himself an awful lot.  
  
Lily: He isn't talking you prat. He's thinking.  
  
Sirius: That's not possible...  
  
Lily: You're probably right.  
  
~ The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursely arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills. ~  
  
James: He must have a pretty boring life.  
  
Sirius: You think?  
  
Remus: Of course he doesn't think. He's James.  
  
James: Thanks for the support, Remie.  
  
~ Mr. Dursely always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. ~  
  
Sirius: I'm tempted to go and play some pranks on him. They're making this far too easy with telling us where he lives and works.  
  
~ If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. ~  
  
James: And where would we be without him not thinking about drills? The world would be in total chaos!  
  
~ He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime. Mr. Dursely, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. ~  
  
James: We really needed to know that.  
  
~ He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. ~  
  
Sirius: You know, I'm sensing this guy should be in anger management courses.  
  
~ He was in a very good mood until lunch time, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery. ~  
  
Remus: Who eats buns for lunch?  
  
All:........  
  
~ He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a-~  
  
Sirius: picture of him-  
  
James: in his underwear!  
  
Lily/Remus/Peter: SHUT UP!  
  
~ group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them-~  
  
Sirius: Oo La La.  
  
~ angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him feel uneasy. ~  
  
James: Probably because we could blow you apart in two seconds.  
  
Lily: Correction, James. Qualified wizards could. I doubt you could even cast the jelly-legs curse on him.  
  
James: HEY! I can to cast that spell! I should know! I put it on Snape all the time!  
  
~ The bunch were whispering excitedly, too, ~  
  
Remus: I catch a pattern going on here.  
  
Sirius *claps Remus on the back* : Well spotted my dear Watson!  
  
*Remus/Lily stare at him*: How do YOU know about those books?!  
  
~ and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. ~  
  
James: Wow, that's a big surprise. And here I thought this book was going to be about a bunch of people collecting money.  
  
~ It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, ~  
  
James: Wait a minute, I thought he went to the Baker's to get a bun!!  
  
*Lily smacks her head with her hand*  
  
~ that he caught a few words of what they were saying. ~  
  
Sirius: Eavesdropper!  
  
James: Tie him up!  
  
Sirius: Tie rocks to his feet!  
  
James: Throw him in the ocean!  
  
James/Sirius: Show him no mercy!  
  
All e/James and Sirius:.....  
  
Remus: Are you done yet?  
  
*James and Sirius cough*: Continue.  
  
~ The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard-"  
  
"-yes their son, Harry-"~  
  
Sirius: That's Harry Potter!  
  
James: No you dimwit, their only talking about him.  
  
Sirius *looks put-out*: Oh.  
  
~ Mr. Dursely stopped dead. ~  
  
*Sirius/James get up and start dancing* : He's dead, he's dead! The wicked Witch is dead!  
  
Lily: It's a saying, sit down.  
  
~ Fear flooded him. ~  
  
James: He's gonna drowned!  
  
~ He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.  
  
He dashed back across the road, ~  
  
James: And on his way, because he didn't look before he crossed the road, got run into by a drunk driver and that's the end of Dursely.  
  
Sirius: Dursley pancake!  
  
Remus: No, can't happen James. This guy just doesn't die.  
  
~ hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind. ~  
  
Sirius: A little over-dramatic, are we?  
  
~ He put the receiver back down and stroked his mustache, thinking...~  
  
Lily: Oh my gosh! I didn't think it was possible!  
  
~ no, he was being stupid. ~  
  
Sirius: Wow, I'm impressed. He can finally get through his head what I've been saying this whole chapter.  
  
~ Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. ~  
  
Lily: Umm... I wouldn't be so sure of that..  
  
~Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry.~  
  
Remus: Wow, maybe it's time for a family reunion.  
  
~He'd never seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.~  
  
James: Isn't Harry short for Harold?  
  
Remus: Could be.  
  
~ There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursely; she always got upset at any mention of her sister.~  
  
Sirius: Gee, I wonder why that is.  
  
Lily: Hey! It isn't my fault she hates me!  
  
James: Really, and putting those dungbombs in her room was entirely our idea.  
  
Lily: Well...... OK, so I had something to do with it.  
  
Sirius: And what about the first summer we were allowed to use magic during the holidays and you turned the cups her and her friends were drinking out of into toads?  
  
Lily: That wasn't me! I swear!  
  
Sirius: You mean, you actually did that?! I was kidding!  
  
*Lily blushes*: Oops.   
  
~He didn't blame her-if he'd had a sister like that...~  
  
Lily: Hey! They're making me out to be some kind of criminal or freak or something!  
  
Sirius: So? He's right-  
  
*Lily throws pillow at Sirius's head*  
  
~ but all the same, those people in cloaks...~  
  
James: Yes, one of them had an extremely large nose and was looking like he hadn't had a bath in years!  
  
Sirius: And he looked uncanningly like a vampire!  
  
James/Sirius: They set Snape loose!  
  
Sirius: I told Dumbledore not to let Snape run around unattended attended.  
  
James: I told him it would harm the country.  
  
Sirius: Heck, it would endanger our world when Snape gets let out on his own!  
  
James: Of course, having him eat Dursley would help us.   
  
Sirius: We'll just have to catch him later and put him back in his cage.  
  
~He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five-o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door.~  
  
Sirius: Graceful one, he is.  
  
James: Probably knocked the person unconscious.  
  
Sirius: Might've killed him.  
  
James/Sirius: The Horror!  
  
~"Sorry," he grunted, as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursely realized he was wearing a violet cloak. He didn't seem at all upset at being knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passerby stare,  
  
"Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating this happy, happy day! ~  
  
Remus: Wait, did he just say what I thought he said?  
  
Sirius: What? Oh, you mean the mistake of calling Dursely a sir? Yeah, I noticed he should have called Dursely a she too-  
  
Lily: No, no you idiot. Remus means how he said You-Know-Who was defeated!  
  
James: Wonder what could've stopped him....  
  
~ And the old man hugged Mr. Dursely around the middle and walked off.~  
  
Sirius: Eww!!!!! Now he'll be contagious! Who knows what kind of diseases Dursely has? He hasn't been checked for rabies yet!  
  
Lily: You know, Sirius, I'm not exactly sure how you know all this stuff about muggles, but it's really starting to annoy me. Are you going to tell us?  
  
*Sirius stares at her and waves his hands around suggestively in front of his face. He puts on a dreamy expression* Sirius: One never exposes his secrets of the inner eye!  
  
*James pats him on the shoulder* James: This whole obsession with Trelawney is going to have to be stopped soon. She's actually going to believe you're in love with her.  
  
*Sirius shudders*  
  
~Mr. Dursely stood rooted to the spot.~  
  
  
  
James: A tree! A tree! The man turned him into a tree!  
  
~He had been hugged by a complete stranger.~  
  
Sirius: He says this as if it's never happened to him before.  
  
Lily: And I suppose it happens to you all the time.  
  
Remus: Not exactly. He's the one going around giving the hugs. He thinks that if he hugs enough people in his lifetime, everyone will love him and somehow he thinks this'll change his future.  
  
Sirius: It will! I will be Minister of Magic one day because I'm so popular.  
  
*James starts to cough uncontrollably*: The day you become Minister of Magic is the day Voldemort joins the ballet.  
  
Sirius: I heard a rumor once that he used to be in the ballet!  
  
Remus: That's because you started it!  
  
Sirius: All I did, was get a picture of him, which was rather hard to find since he has a hard time posing for photographs these days, and when he does get a picture, it usually breaks the camera. Then, I put it on a ballerina's body with a pink tutu. I mean, once you blow those pictures up and place them around the school, rumors are very easily started.  
  
Remus: Did it ever occur to you he could blast you to pieces? I'm not to sure Voldemort would be as happy as you about that rumor.  
  
Sirius: So?   
  
Remus: SO? Did you hear a word I just said? He'll kill you!  
  
Sirius: Not if I give him a hug first!  
  
*Remus smacks his head with his hand*  
  
~He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was. He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of the imagionation. ~  
  
Lily: Someone obviously lacked love as a child.  
  
Remus: I don't think lacked was a strong enough of a word.  
  
~As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw-and it didn't improve his mood-~  
  
Sirius: Was a tiny speck on his windshield, which he spent for the next 5 hours, trying to get off before he realized that there really was no spot in the first place, just the sun hitting the windshield in a strange way.  
  
James: And then, he tried to figure out what happened to all his brain cells, that in the process of trying to get the speck off the windshield, were fried to nothing.  
  
Sirius: He didn't have many to being with though, so it couldn't of taken too long.  
  
James: True, It probably started to melt away the little parts of his brain that actually worked in the first place.  
  
Sirius: Mrs. Dursley won't know what's wrong with her poor fat husband!  
  
James: Oh, no! Think of the drama!  
  
Sirius: The arguing!  
  
James: The horror that would evolve!  
  
Sirius/James: Fun!!  
  
Lily: Are you two going to stop sometime today so that we can actually finish a chapter in this book before we have to go to sleep?  
  
Sirius: Surly, Lilikins.  
  
~was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning.~  
  
James: Doesn't McGonagall have anything better to do then sit on a wall?  
  
Sirius: I wonder if we went up and poked her, do you think she'd move? Or just fall off?  
  
Remus: I'm sensing she would transform and yell at you for an hour.  
  
Sirius: Only an hour? My record for getting yelled at is 2.  
  
James: I'm sure if you pointed that out to her, she'd be more than happy to yell at you for three.  
  
~It was sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around it's eyes.~  
  
James: Hey! We were right! it is McGonagall!  
  
~"Shoo!" said Mr. Dursely loudly.~  
  
*Sirius/James start laughing*  
  
  
  
*In between breaths* James: Can-You-imagine-the-look-on her-f-f-face!  
  
*Remus starts laughing as well along with Lily*  
  
*calming down slightly* Sirius: We really should try that when we get back to school and she's changed into her cat form.  
  
*James wipes tears from his eyes*  
  
Remus: on with the story?  
  
*everyone nods*  
  
~The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look. Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together~  
  
Sirius: Because in the process of yelling at McGonagall, the glue that was holding him together, didn't stick anymore and he fell apart.  
  
Lily: Sirius, I don't want to know how you get your ideas.  
  
Sirius: Good because I'm not sharing.  
  
~He let himself inside the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.  
  
Mrs. Dursely had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter-~  
  
Sirius: Do you really think that was her name?  
  
James: Could be, I guess.  
  
Remus: Do you think this is a new or the same neighbors?  
  
Lily: Probably the same, why?  
  
Remus: I thought we decided they were put in a mental home.  
  
Sirius: Correction, Moony. You said that.  
  
Remus: Oh just shut up Padfoot. At least I'm not obsessed with Vernon Dursely in underwear pictures.  
  
Sirius: I'm not obsessed! I just know the truth!  
  
Lily: Sure Sirius.  
  
~ and how Dudley had learned a new word ("won't!").~  
  
Sirius: As in, I won't eat?  
  
James: Not possible. He's too fat.  
  
Remus: How'd you know?  
  
James: Just a guess.  
  
~Mr. Dursely tried to act normally.~  
  
James: Which was extremely difficult considering he's got mental problems.  
  
~When Dudley was put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:  
  
"And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in the daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern." The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGruffin with the weather. Going to be anymore showers of owls tonight, Jim?"  
  
"Well Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early-it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight."~  
  
James: When in doubt, always predict rain. This guy is as mental as Dursely.  
  
~Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his arm chair. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...~  
  
Sirius: You know, James, if this guy has a difficult time hearing your name, can you imagine if you showed up at his house one day?  
  
Remus: You'd probably give him a heart attack!  
  
James: *grins evily* who wants to pay Mr. and Mrs. Dursley a nice little visit on Privet Drive?  
  
~Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good.~  
  
Sirius: Well, he hasn't even tasted it and he's saying the tea isn't good?  
  
~He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er-Petunia, dear-you haven't heard anything from your sister lately, have you?"~  
  
Lily: Like I'd want to talk to her  
  
~As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they pretended she didn't have a sister.  
  
"No," she said sharply. "Why?"~  
  
Remus: Well, obviously he's in love with Lily and wants to call her.  
  
Lily: *looking appalled* Remus! *smacks him* That's disgusting!  
  
Sirius/James: *laughing*   
  
James: Good one Remie!  
  
*Remus grins and bows* Remus: I rather thought so myself, Prongsie.  
  
~"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls...shooting stars...and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today..."  
  
"So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.  
  
"Well, I just thought...maybe...it was something to do with...you know...her crowd."  
  
Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.~  
  
James: That's got to be difficult. I wonder how she does that.  
  
~Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter."~  
  
Remus: I'm sensing this guy thinks your name is cursed or something, James.  
  
~He decided he didn't dare. Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son-he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"  
  
"I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.  
  
"What's his name again? Howard isn't it?"  
  
"Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."~  
  
James: I don't remember anyone asking her anything besides what his name was.  
  
~"Oh yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly.~  
  
Sirius: Because truly, he had wanted to change his own name to Harry but now it seemed to be an unpossibility.  
  
James: Is unpossibility a word?  
  
Sirius: Doubt it. But now it is.  
  
~"Yes I quite agree."~  
  
Sirius: See? Even Bushy agrees with me!  
  
Lily: Who?  
  
Sirius: Bushy of course! You know, the guy with the big mustache.....  
  
Lily: Whatever.  
  
~He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed. While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window~  
  
James: And got smacked in the face with a flying rock.  
  
~ and peered into the front garden. The cat was still there.~  
  
Sirius: Man, McGonagall really needs to get a life.  
  
~It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.  
  
Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters? If it did...if it got out that they were related to a pair of-~  
  
Sirius: Clowns?  
  
Remus: Donkeys?  
  
~well, he didn't think he could bear it.  
  
The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake , turning it all over in his mind. ~  
  
James: If only he had his teddy bear.  
  
  
  
Remus stopped reading and looked up as someone knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal Mrs. Potter.  
  
"Dinner's ready," she said and closed the door again. Sirius and James jumped up and ran out the door, pushing each other the whole way. Peter left soon after, a running Remus on his heals. Lily sighed and followed them all downstairs.  
  
A/N: Ah, the insanity of my brain. Isn't this a lovely fic? PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! I NEED THEM TO SURVIVE! Gracias and all that. Tell me what you think. Did it suck? Am I the only one with a brain as demented as that to think of it was remotely funny? Just don't go too hard on me, it is a relief fic. 


	2. IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ!

Hello all.  
  
*sniff* I've just figured out that I'm not strictly suppose to be writing this Fanfic. It's a fic "that is an original story with comments added in." I guess those kinds of stories aren't allowed on this site.  
  
So, unless anyone has any ideas whatsoever that I could somehow continue the story or give me some ideas, I'm afraid this is the end of this fic.  
  
*James Sirius Remus and Lily appear*  
  
Sirius: No more Vernon in underwear?!  
  
Corie: 'fraid not, Snuffles.  
  
*James and Sirius cry*  
  
Lily: Oh good Lord, get a therapist.  
  
James: Will you be out therapist, Remie?  
  
Remus: I'm afraid I'm going to need one myself from what you two have put me through.  
  
*coughs*  
  
Right, well, please, give me some ideas if you can, cause I'd really like to continue this if I can. If not, *sniff* Good-bye. 


	3. Perrywinkle's discovery: Hay is for cow...

A/N: Look! Look! I'm aliiiiiveeee!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Harry Potter except the drawings in my room.  
  
I decided to continue because I hate rules anyways.  
  
Disclaimer: I promise, I own nothing!  
  
So, here, I present to you the next chapter...er, second half of the first chapter, of this wonderful story.  
  
Disclaimer: I told you! I OWN nothing! Hey! Get those chains off of me!  
  
An hour later, the three Maurader's and Lily sat back down, scattered around James's room.  
  
"Too bad Peter had to go home," Remus said, picking the book back up.  
  
"That's ok, he'll be back eventually," James commented. Sirius bounced over to Remus and grabbed the book out of his hands.  
  
"My turn to read!" He sat down on the bed and flexed his fingers.  
  
Sirius: AHEM!  
  
Lily: Get on with it, Sirius. We want to finish this before midnight.  
  
Sirius: Watch it Mrs. Potter!  
  
Lily: Be quiet!  
  
Sirius: Aren't we touchy?  
  
Lily: Well, I did just find out who I'm going to marry here!  
  
Sirius: That was over an hour ago!  
  
Lily: So? I was in shock!  
  
Sirius: Yeah, and I'm the queen of England.  
  
Remus: Really? Where's your dress then?  
  
::Sirius scowls at Remus::  
  
James: Can we PLEASE just start the book?  
  
Sirius: What? Are you not comfortable with this whole marriage either?  
  
James: It's a book Sirius! It doesn't mean anything!  
  
::Lily advances on James::  
  
Lily: Oh? Am I not good enough for you?  
  
James: I didn't say that!  
  
Lily: You might as well have!  
  
Sirius: Hey! You can't act like and old married couple until after 26 years of marriage!  
  
Lily/James: Says who?  
  
Remus: Me! Now read!  
  
Sirius: Geesh! Somebody's got ants in his pants.  
  
~His last, comforting thought, before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley. ~  
  
  
  
Sirius: Is he still going on about this? I thought we ended this whole obsession with the Potters a while ago.  
  
Remus: Apparently not.   
  
~The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia though about them and their..kind.~  
  
James: Somebody is obviously jealous of our good looks.  
  
Sirius: It's definitely not me.  
  
::James glares at Sirius::  
  
~He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on-he yawned and turned over-~  
  
James: Who wants to bet that he squished Petunia?  
  
Sirius: Yum..I know what we're having for breakfast tomorrow!  
  
Lily: What?  
  
Sirius: Petunia Pancake!  
  
::laughs hysterically at his own joke::  
  
James: That was pathetically unfunny.  
  
::Sirius continues to laugh::  
  
Remus: I knew we shouldn't of let him eat dessert.  
  
::James pokes Sirius in the side to make him stop laughing::  
  
James: We want to finish this chapter. Be quiet.  
  
~-it couldn't affect them...~  
  
Remus: This man takes a long time to reassure himself about things....  
  
~How very wrong he was.~  
  
James: Oh, darn, Vernon was wrong.   
  
Lily: No need to panic, Potter. Dursley is wrong all the time, I'm sure.  
  
~Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside~   
  
Sirius: Had fallen over and got stuck in a fence.  
  
James: It was in the process of untangling itself-  
  
Sirius: When a big fat man, who resembled Dursley greatly-  
  
James: Thought it was food-  
  
Sirius/ James: AND ATE MCGONAGALL!  
  
::Sirius and James start dancing::  
  
::Lily takes the book away from Sirius::  
  
Sirius: Hey! I was reading that!  
  
Lily: You get distracted too easily. Maybe you can read later.  
  
::Sirius glares at Lily::  
  
~was showing no sign of sleepiness~  
  
James: Just our luck, a full description of what McGonagall is going to be doing all night.  
  
Sirius: She's probably a fan of Dursley's underwear pictures.  
  
James: Must want an autographed picture.  
  
Sirius: Probably won't leave until she gets one either.  
  
James: I hope that he never gives her one so the school won't be infested with flees anymore.  
  
Sirius: Because she'll rot on the wall, right??  
  
Remus: This is going to take all night.  
  
~It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive.~  
  
Remus: I hope her eyes are crossed.  
  
Sirius: Why?  
  
Remus: If they stay crossed for 5 minutes, they'll stay like that forever!  
  
Sirius: Really?  
  
Remus: Sure.  
  
~It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street,~  
  
Sirius: On it's ear?  
  
Lily: Why are you asking us? We haven't been able to finish the sentence yet because you keep interrupting.  
  
Sirius: Touchë  
  
  
  
~nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.~  
  
James: Isn't that special.  
  
Remus: I thought so.  
  
~A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.~  
  
Sirius: James, what if McGonagall is waiting for Vernon's agent so she can apply for being a model too?  
  
::James grimaces::  
  
James: Let's hope that isn't him.  
  
Lily: Oh, be sensible you two. This book isn't called "Vernon and Minerva's modeling careers." It's called 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.'  
  
*James/Sirius blink*  
  
James: So?  
  
Remus: Don't bother Lily  
  
~The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.~  
  
James: Nope, it isn't' the agent. Must be why McGonagall's eyes are narrowed.  
  
Lily: Why?  
  
Remus: She always narrows her eyes when she's mad...especially at us.  
  
~Nothing like this man has ever been seen on Privet Drive.~  
  
Remus: Ah, must be Sirius.  
  
Sirius: Hey!-  
  
::James interrupts in a cheerful singing voice::  
  
James: Is for cows!  
  
Lily: Hay is for Horses, James. Not cows.  
  
James: Well, why not?  
  
Lily: Because, cows eat grass.  
  
Sirius: So do horses!  
  
James: Yeah! And Cows eat hay too!  
  
Lily: Oh, I give up.  
  
~He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair~  
  
Lily: What a great description. I hope they write about me like that in here.  
  
Sirius: Who ever said you'd be in this book?  
  
James: She's been in it more then you, Sirius.  
  
Remus: Not really...She's not exactly been mentioned yet, has she?  
  
~judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt.~  
  
Sirius: How spiffy! I want a beard.  
  
::Sirius strokes his chin::  
  
James: You should make it a blue beard though.  
  
[A/N: Can you seriously imagine Sirius with a long blue beard?!...Sorry, it just made me crack up...bad frosting, bad!]  
  
~He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots.~  
  
::Sirius and James scream::  
  
Lily: What?!  
  
James: Trewlany's grown out her beard and has finally let everyone know she's really a he!  
  
Lily: Trewlany has no beard to begin with!  
  
::Sirius gasps while James mock faints::  
  
Sirius: She wears that awful hat-  
  
Remus: And what? You think she hides her beard in her hat?  
  
James: Ah, but Remie, never joke about the travails of the inner eye. For all know that the sign of a weird hat indicates-  
  
Sirius/James: A long beard!  
  
::Sirius/James scream and cry in hysterics::  
  
::Remus sighs::  
  
Remus: And to think these idiots have made it this far....  
  
Lily: It's kind of scary.  
  
::Sirius sniffs in the corner and James sighs::  
  
James: They'll never understand the inner eye.  
  
Remus: Unfortunately neither will the bearded lady.  
  
~His eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles~  
  
James: But Trewlany's glasses are big enough to cover her entire face!  
  
Sirius: Then it isn't her?  
  
Lily: Good, we're spared for the time being.  
  
  
  
~and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice. This man's name was-~  
  
Sirius: Oh, wait, he forgot his name so we'll just have to call him...  
  
James: Mr. Perrywinkle!  
  
Sirius: Perfect!  
  
Remus: Mr. Perrywinkle...??  
  
::Sirius coughs as James clears his throat::  
  
James: AHEM!  
  
Sirius: We will recite a poem.  
  
Remus: Oh this should be grand. They can't even tell me what a poem is.  
  
James: There once was a poor man named-  
  
::Sirius interrupts in a singing mystical voice::  
  
Sirius: Mr. Perrywinkle.  
  
James: That had smelly feet  
  
::Sirius in same voice::  
  
Sirius: He felt always tickled.  
  
::James adopts a solemn funeral-like tone::  
  
James: He could not even   
  
Sirius: ask for a pickle.  
  
Lily: Forget them?  
  
Remus: Yeah, keep reading.  
  
~Albus Dumbledore.~  
  
Lily: Hmm...  
  
Remus: Imagine that.  
  
James: He had the sense of humor of   
  
Sirius: A fairywinkle.  
  
~Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name ~  
  
*James and Sirius begin to meditate*  
  
Sirius/James: Ahummmmmmmm  
  
James: This sad story begins  
  
Sirius: On the day of high winds.  
  
  
  
~to his boots was unwelcome.~  
  
James: With no hope in sight  
  
Sirius: Mr. Perrywinkle cried out in fright!  
  
Lily: How long do you think they'll keep going?  
  
Remus: Probably all night.  
  
~He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something. ~  
  
::Lily gets up furiously and throws book down::  
  
Lily: Now really!  
  
::Sirius and James are doing a dance in a circle, loudly banging the floor and hitting Lily and Remus in the heads::  
  
James: Mr. Perrywinkle had lost  
  
Sirius: All his special spicy sauce!  
  
James: And he couldn't understand  
  
Sirius: Why there was none in his can!  
  
::They stop suddenly and drop to the floor in meditation::  
  
James/Sirius: Ahummmmm  
  
Remus: It's better to just ignore them, Lily.  
  
::Lily picks up book muttering angrily.::  
  
~But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, ~  
  
::Sirius/James get up as Lily is reading::  
  
Sirius/James: AHEM!  
  
::Lily screams at sudden outburst then angrily turns to them::  
  
::Sirius/James eyes roll back::  
  
Sirius: Mr. Perrywinkle then cursed  
  
James: Eternity to the worst  
  
Sirius: And from this day forth  
  
James: Not a creature comes north  
  
Sirius/James: Of Mr. Perrywinkle's left pinkie toe.  
  
::Sirius/James bow and sit down.::  
  
::Lily and Remus blink::  
  
Remus: You are both mentally unstable.  
  
::Sirius and James give each other high five's::  
  
::Lily glares at them but ignores them::  
  
~which was staring at him from the other end of the street. ~  
  
Sirius: I always thought Minerva fancied Albus.  
  
James: Yes, they do rather spend a lot of time together.  
  
  
  
~For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him. He chuckled~  
  
James: Well, I know Minerva's funny looking, but that's not very nice to laugh at her.  
  
Remus: Are you calling them by their first names for any reason other than you're just being idiots?  
  
Sirius: Well, Minerva and Albus are their human names.  
  
::Remus stares::  
  
Remus: All right then...  
  
~and muttered, "I should have known."~  
  
James: Yes, you should have.  
  
Sirius: Bad, Albus Dumbledore.  
  
~He found what he was looking for inside his pocket.~  
  
Sirius: Anti-Minerva repellent?  
  
James: You know, I always wondered why Minerva changes into a cat. I, myself, would have guessed by her name that she would turn into a platypus.  
  
::Sirius nods in agreement::  
  
::Lily smacks her forehead::  
  
Remus: Thank you for that completely random information.  
  
James: You're welcome!  
  
~He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it. ~  
  
Sirius: And started yelling and jumping up and down.  
  
  
  
~The nearest lamp went out with a ~  
  
Sirius: A loud crash and the sound of screaming people.  
  
~little pop. He clicked it again-the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve-~  
  
Sirius: I turned 12 four years ago!  
  
Lily: ..That's...simply amazing, Sirius.  
  
  
  
~times he clicked the Put-Outer, until the only lights which were the eyes of the cat watching him.~  
  
::James makes an 'x' with his fingers::  
  
James: Make her go away!  
  
~......set off down the street toward number four,~  
  
James: This man must want a death wish if he's approaching McGonagall.  
  
Sirius: He's highly trained in dealing with strange creatures, Jamsie. He'll be ok  
  
~where he sat down on the wall ~  
  
Sirius: And right on McGonagall.  
  
~next to the cat. He didn't look at it,~  
  
James: Probably too appalling.  
  
Remus: Good thing you and Sirius aren't there then.  
  
Sirius: Oh hardy har har, Wolfboy.  
  
~but after a moment he spoke to it. "Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."~  
  
::James covers his eyes and says in a deep voice::  
  
James: I tried to sit on you, Minerva, but you must've slipped under me.  
  
::Sirius puts on a high fake voice::  
  
Sirius: Oh, Albus, you know that I can't talk in my Animagus form.  
  
Remus: Good, then there is no need for this conversation  
  
::Lily gets up and stands between Sirius and James::  
  
Lily: James, sit over here  
  
::She drags James over to the corner of the room.::  
  
Lily: Sirius, over here.  
  
::She drags Sirius to a corner diagonal James::  
  
Sirius: Wow, Jamsie. We got split up and the first chapter isn't even over yet.  
  
~"Fancy seeing you here, Pro. McGonagall."~  
  
James: Aha! We were right!  
  
Remus: And to think, if it wasn't her, all your useless and idiotic ramblings would have been for nothing.  
  
  
  
~He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone.~  
  
Sirius: The man in the bright pink pajamas ate her.  
  
James: But really it was Albus Dumbledore who had duplicated himself so he could sneak attack McGonagall.  
  
Sirius: Because Albus had tried eating her before-  
  
James: But she always seemed to get away.  
  
Sirius: But not this time. This time, Albus was finally able to enjoy the meal he had been dreaming of.  
  
::James/Sirius sigh::  
  
Sirius: Transfiguration teacher on a stick.  
  
James: With a side of fur balls.  
  
Remus: I assure you, Dumbledore is not a cannibal.  
  
Sirius: Ah, but my dear Remie, my inner eye has forseen Albus's future!  
  
James: And mine as well!  
  
Remus: Well, what a surprise that is.  
  
James: For Albus is having difficulties-  
  
Sirius: And the only thing to calm his nerves is to-  
  
Remus: Let me guess. Eat people?  
  
::Sirius/James gasp::  
  
Sirius: You posses the inner eye, Remie!  
  
Lily: Oh for goodness sake! Cut the crap with the inner eye!  
  
James: Lilikins, your hate burns me! It burns my inner eye!  
  
Lily: Yeah? Well a lot more then your inner eye is going to hurt if you don't shut up and let me finish.  
  
~"How did you know it was me?"~  
  
::Sirius starts waving his arms all around::  
  
Sirius: Psst! James!  
  
::Lily throws a pillow at his head::  
  
  
  
~... "... I must have passed a dozen feasts on my way here."~  
  
Sirius: It must be my birthday.  
  
  
  
~Pro.McGonagall sniffed angrily~  
  
James: She must have fur up her nose.  
  
Sirius: That happens to me a lot after I transform.  
  
~... "It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursleys' dark living-room window.~  
  
James: And her head just flew off her neck into their window, smashing the entire pottery collection the Dursley's had been secretly storing beneath the window out of sight of their neighbors.  
  
::Sirius begins to shout across the room::  
  
Sirius: James! What do you think about the possibilities that Vernon might try and eat the pottery remains, because he thinks they're bread, and end up choking on the sharp pieces?  
  
James: Very good, my old chap. Very good chances indeed.  
  
Lily: Pottery? Do you really think they own pottery?  
  
Sirius: Fire head, don't tell me that you're prejudice against pottery too. Because my ancestors date back to the early early stages of life, when wands were just being invented and-  
  
Remus: Padfoot, we have no interest in your make-believe ancestors.  
  
Sirius: But they used pottery instead of wood for wands!  
  
::Lily rolls her eyes::  
  
Lily: I'm sure that they invented pottery wands before wood ones.  
  
  
  
~"I heard it."~  
  
Sirius: Jolly good for you, Minerva.  
  
~... "... I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."~  
  
Remus: Neither has Sirius or James but she doesn't seem to be mentioning them.  
  
~"You can't blame them."~  
  
James: Yes she can. Minerva blames anyone she wants to.  
  
Sirius: And usually without good reason.  
  
Lily: Oh, come off it. You can't expect to be on her good side when you transfigure her room into a honey comb swarming with bees just because you want some honey during class.  
  
James: Lil-uu-yy! How many times do we have to tell you? It wasn't so we could have honey during class! We were trying to help save the earth!  
  
Lily: Oh? And by doing what? Sticking the earth's fault lines back together?  
  
::Sirius and James blink::  
  
Sirius/James: Huh?  
  
::They shrug at each other across the room::  
  
Sirius: No, Lily. You're wrong.  
  
James: Anyways, we were trying to reenergize Snapies hair!  
  
Sirius: We figured that combining stickiness with greasiness, they would cancel each other out and his hair would be normal!  
  
James: I still don't understand that.  
  
::Sirius shrugs::  
  
Sirius: That's why it was Remus's idea and not ours.  
  
Remus: Well, his hair did look better for a couple of days, didn't it?  
  
Lily: Because Madam Pomfrey had to use about fifty of her potions to get that stench you added to the honey out of his hair!  
  
Sirius: There was a stench?  
  
James: I could've sworn that was the same smell he'd been carrying around for years!  
  
::Lily sighs::  
  
  
  
~"We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."~  
  
Remus: Sirius, I think you might've finally been kicked out of England.  
  
Sirius: Is that why they're celebrating? Because I've been allowed to come back?  
  
James: No, I think he means that they're celebrating because you've been kicked out.  
  
~.... "...I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?" ~  
  
Sirius: No, you're wrong, Minerva. He hasn't gone.  
  
James: In fact, *James rips off imaginary mask* I AM VOLDEMORT!   
  
[A/N: I know, I know, but let's just say, that he isn't scared of him yet because Voldemort isn't that big and people aren't taking him serious yet.]  
  
~ "Would you care for a lemon drop?"   
  
"A what?"  
  
"A lemon drop."~  
  
Sirius: Minerva's hearing must be going.  
  
Remus: Probably from the countless times you screamed in her ear.  
  
James: We warned her that yelling would be a danger to her hearing.  
  
Remus: And yet you continued to yell something almost every month.  
  
Sirius: Yeah, so?  
  
~.... "As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone-"~  
  
Remus: She sure can get stuck on one topic for a long time.  
  
  
  
~"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense-for eleven years, I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name:"~  
  
Sirius: Mr. Perrywinkle!!  
  
Lily: Oh, good god, we aren't on that subject again, are we?  
  
::James begins to meditate but Lily walks over and stuffs a pillow in his face::  
  
Lily: We are finishing this chapter tonight!  
  
Sirius: All right, All right. Geesh, Lilikins, you sure need anger management.  
  
~..... "Only because you're too-well-noble to use them."~  
  
Sirius: Awwww!  
  
::James puts on baby voice::  
  
James: Is wittle Minerva expressing her fweelings for Awlbus at wast?  
  
~...."You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"~  
  
Remus: Maybe he looked at you for the first time, Minerva.  
  
::Lily shoots Remus a evil glare::  
  
Lily: Stop encouraging them.  
  
::James waves at Lily::  
  
James: We can hear you, darling firehead!  
  
~.... "The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are-are-that they're-dead."~  
  
Sirius: ....Dead???  
  
::Sirius walks across the room and pokes James::  
  
Sirius: He doesn't seem dead to me.  
  
Lily: What if this book tells the future?  
  
James: ....What about Mr.Perrywinkle's poetry?!  
  
::Sirius and James embrace, mock crying::  
  
Remus: You know, for someone that could be dying in less then ten years, you'd think you'd take this seriously.  
  
::James wipes away his imaginary tears::  
  
James: What're the chances of this happening? It was probably just Trewlany writing it to scare us.  
  
Lily: ...But what if it is true?  
  
::Remus frowns while Sirius and James begin crying again::  
  
James: Voldemort must have wanted to kill me because of my inner eye!  
  
Sirius: It's only a matter of time before I'm gone too!  
  
::James and Sirius continue to cry even as Lily pries them apart::  
  
  
  
~Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on.~  
  
Sirius: I wonder if she meant she actually cared if James died...  
  
Remus: She probably was just upset she wasn't the one that got to do it.  
  
~"That's not all."~  
  
James: Of course not. Is she ever done talking?  
  
~"They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry. But-he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke-"~  
  
Lily: Well, I have to say, at least his extremely large ego will break his fall.  
  
::James and Sirius blink::  
  
James: Was that a joke, dear Lily Billy?  
  
::Sirius begins to cry::  
  
Sirius: My Lily has finally bought herself a sense of humor!  
  
::Lily walks over at pushes Sirius out a window::  
  
Remus: Wow, look at him fall.  
  
::Remus waves at Sirius through the window as his friend makes various rude gestures at him from the bushes::  
  
~"and that's why he's gone."~  
  
James: Dying does that to people.  
  
~... . "I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."   
  
"You don't mean-you can't mean the people who live here?"~  
  
James: No, you idiot, he means the pack of elephants in Africa.  
  
::a banging can be heard from outside the door::  
  
James: It possessed! Your elephant relatives are coming after me Lily Billy!  
  
::James runs into the corner behind Lily, who promptly growls at him and convinces James she has rabies.::  
  
Remus: ::looks at the hole conveniently located in the middle of the door::   
  
Looks like it's Sirius come back from the dead.   
  
:begins waving at his friend who is shouting insults and obscene remarks at his friend.  
  
James's mom: Sirius! I hope that isn't you swearing up there!  
  
::Sirius immediately stops yelling and begins to saw through the door with the chainsaw he acquired by the author who was feeling sorry for the bloke who was being laughed at by his friends. Then, seeing how unsafe Sirius Black is with a chainsaw, loans him a plastic knife instead. Sirius continues to hack his way through the door by the tiny hole with his little plastic knife.::  
  
~"A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall.~  
  
James: You tree killer!  
  
::Sirius conveniently walks through the broken down door and sits down to finish the story as though nothing had happened.::  
  
~... A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them.~  
  
Sirius: Oh, sorry.  
  
::Lily pulls a face and makes an impatient noise in the back of her throat.::  
  
..~a huge motorcycle fell out of the air~  
  
James: Is it raining?  
  
Sirius: THEY STOLE IT  
  
Lily: What?  
  
Sirius: They-they stole my life!  
  
::Sirius cries::  
  
Remus: Sirius has a flying motorcycle.  
  
James: It was to be a wedding present for Trewlany when he proposed.  
  
::Sirius looks up and stares at James gaping::  
  
Sirius: How did you KNOW?  
  
::James shrugs and points to his head indicating ESP::  
  
Sirius: Will you be my best man?!  
  
Remus: Gee, thanks Sirius.  
  
Sirius: Sorry, dear, you don't have ESP like dear Jamie, and Lily Billy, you're not a man.  
  
::Lily stares at Sirius and throws her pillow at him::  
  
~... "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. I've got him, sir."~  
  
Sirius: He has me in his pocket?  
  
James: I wouldn't say that's letting Hagrid borrow it, I'd say that's him kidnapping you.  
  
~"...Well, give him here, Hagrid-We'd better get this over with."~  
  
::James screams::  
  
Sirius: They're going to KILL ME?!  
  
Remus: Darn. What a shame.  
  
Sirius: Gee, Remie thanks for caring.  
  
Lily: I'm just disappointed I can't help.  
  
...~Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.~  
  
Sirius: VERNON!  
  
::Lily blinks::  
  
Remus: What??  
  
Sirius: He's seen his pictures!  
  
~.. "Yes, yes it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found."~  
  
James: Minerva! She's-she's-  
  
Sirius: a platypus?  
  
::James nods::  
  
~A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen.~  
  
James: At this precise moment, Vernon Dursley was signing a contract for plastic surgery.  
  
Sirius: Free Michael Jackson!  
  
~...Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door-~  
  
Sirius: To find Vernon Dursley dead and eaten on the front porch.  
  
Remus: If he's dead and eaten, what's left to tell Petunia what happened to Vernon or he was there at all.  
  
Sirius: She has the nostrils of a fly, Moony, she can smell anything.  
  
Remus: Dear god, Sirius. Flies don't have nostrils.  
  
.. "To Harry Potter-the boy-who-lived!"~  
  
::James starts singing: "It's the end of the world, as we know it."::  
  
A/N: And so ends the insanity of my mind for the time being....This took me an extremely long time to finish, hope you like it. Anyways, you must all press that button in the corner to sign a waver saying you'll take no legal action against me despite my extremely disoriented mind. I pity you all for having to read this, but the waver must be signed. Now go...See? It's the tiny button in the left hand corner...No, down a little...a little more... There! No, no, no above the start button!  
  
::James appears and smacks the author over the head with a large frying pan::  
  
Corie: OUCH!  
  
::Sirius clears his throat::  
  
Sirius: Thank-you's are in order.  
  
Corie: Ah, right you are..  
  
Now, to my fantastic reviewers. You're amazing and as a gift for reviewing, I give you Sirius and James.   
  
::Hands them over on a plate::  
  
But only torture them for a little, I need them to finish this little fic thingy....Oh, and any words from the Harry Potter series spelled wrong is not my fault. I is got good grammers, but bad spewliengs....spelliang...er, that doesn't seem right either...Now how DO you spell that kids name again? Pond? Fond? Nod? Roun? Rone? Perhaps Ronoald....  
  
::is smacked again::  
  
Right....  
  
Thanks tooooo:   
  
read-a-holic [you're one of the many that made me reconsider continuing this story, many times thanks], Angel, Reticence, Lisa-Lee, Seriously Sirius, Owlz, mad hobbit, ~ravenclaw@heart~, Jamie46 [thanks for the suggestions, and for correcting my mistakes... as you can see, I have many...*grins*] , Porphyrophobic Grape [wicked name, it took me forever to stop trying to pronounce it and just write it out...and I'm afraid I got you beat this chapter- *points to the screen* I wrote almost a paragraph of 'actions'. *grins* beat that], Strange Emily[thanks for the suggestions, just decided it'd be easier to continue as I was as long as there are no problems], laura, dan, Jewls5, Val Kyrie, Tara, Iavala, jack4, chickabiddy[Bugger, amazing word], Dog^Star4 [*pokes the bloody god* oh, lord...er literally, you need a bandaide..glad to cheer you up. perhaps I should be a clown], Q-star1, freakyfairy [keeping coffee in the mouth is very important in order to drinking...], ByProduct of Evil, gherkin, Summer Princess, Tawa Bids You Good Day [*blinks and backs away* Please don't be an American killer....*mutters* Shan't...right.. I'll make a mental note. *grins*], ShimmerGloom, and Taryn Weasly.  
  
Thanks much! And on your way out, say good-bye to my buddy rock, Bob.  
  
Bob: .....  
  
As I said, he's a rock...So what? 


End file.
